“I Still Can’t Believe It”

March 28, 2009 | Filed Under ENT, PET CT Scan, cancer, chemotherapy, examinations, feeding tube, health, nutrition, prognosis, radiation | 1 Comment

I had another appointment with my ENT the other day. It went well.  Despite two good reports from my oncologists in the last few months and the fact that I’m feeling fine and have noticed nothing out of the ordinary during my own self-exams, I was apprehensive and half-expecting Dr. Breslier to find something during the exam because of my most recent PET SCAN.  Maybe I just don’t understand PET/CT Scans, but I just can’t figure out why those scans keep showing activity if there is no cancer.  But, anyway, I guess I’m just as surprised as the doctors that I came through this thing.  Dr. Bresier said, “I stil can’t believe it. It’s amazing that you responded so well to the treatment.”  His amazement every time I go in for an exam only serves to reiterate my own shock.  I was a goner.  Hell, I knew I was dying even before I was diagnosed.  I felt myself slipping away day-by-day.  And when I opted to do the chemo/radiation without first having a full glosectomy (tongue removal), I was really rolling the dice.  My reasoning at the time was that if I happened to beat the odds, I’d stand a better chance with my tongue than without it.  I didn’t want to lose my ability to speak and eat entirely and I figured that if I had the surgery, I would not only lose my tongue, but a bunch of lymph nodes (including most healthy ones) and would be much more susceptible to infections and would have to live with a feeding tube for the rest of my life.  It just seemed to me like given my relatively young age (I was 39 when I first got sick) and the fact that I was a non-smoker, my odds weren’t really as bad as the official line.  So I rolled the dice.   In the wake of those treatments, I’ve improved my diet considerably from what I was eating pre-cancer.  I eat less red meat and I try to stick with lean meats as much as possible when I do eat it.  I eat vegetables now — lots and lots of veggies.  I exercise daily — either at home or at the gym.  But the fear of the cancer coming back or even getting a new cancer down the road grips me.  I have at least another year to go before the doctors are willing to use the word “cured” in  sentence.