Writing Guru Schmuru
Published March 7th, 2010 | 
There’s no such thing as Santa Claus.
There are no magic wands.
Can’t spin straw into gold.
Despite what the spam in my inbox says, there’s no such thing as an acne vitamin.
Likewise, there are no Leprechauns, unicorns or tooth fairies.
And there’s no such thing as a writing guru.
Well . . . there are “writing gurus” — just that they can’t really help you beginners become better writers. If you’re a writer, it’s a nice little sideline. The self-help racket is a multi-billion dollar industry. And if you’re a writer, there’s lots of money to be made teaching others how to write. The thing is, one can’t really teach another person how to write — they can only teach a another writer what works and does not work for them. One cannot teach the creative process. They can only teach their creative process. So if you are a beginning writer looking for a mentor, run from anyone calling themselves a writing guru, writing guide, or creativity coach, because a good mentor doesn’t provide answers or claim to have answers. A good mentor is someone who plants a firm boot up your ass so you do the work to find your own answers.
Helping Writers Spend Their Money
Published February 18th, 2010 | The other night, unable to sleep, I found myself flipping channels. I came across this infomercial for adult acne treatments. You know the ones I mean — they get a couple of actress/models who probably have never had a serious skin problem in their lives. But they ugly them up for a before shot and then show an "after" shot, after allegedly using the product in question. These programs, much like most other advertisements are selling not the product so much as the idea that the product will somehow help us losers fulfill our wildest dreams. That’s the beauty of commercials. Doesn’t matter whether the product does what it’s supposed to do or not — only that we believe in it’s mojo.
Such is the path of the writing guru. You get a guy — usually a failed writer or moderately successful writer, who sells you, the novice writer, the idea that he can teach you everything you need to know to make you into a successful writer. Whether they call themselves gurus or coaches or mentors, it’s the same deal. You pay them for their sage wisdom. Gurmeet Mattu the semi-successful Scot-Indian playwright (known in the U.S. mostly for his articles posted on various content mill websites) has claimed that a good writing guru such as himself can "shave five years" the novice writer’s struggle. He runs a Guru service called ScriptSchool where he offers "training modules" on every genre of writing you can imagine. Of course, the website, itself, hardly looks professional, which should serve as warning sign to would-be clients, because if he isn’t successful enough to manage a website looks good and organizes its content in a professional, usable manner, you have to question just how this guy can help you become a successful professional. I’m not saying that Mattu is not successful in Scotland, but I do wonder how much of his income is derived from exploiting the hopes of wannabe writers.
Well, you know how I feel about these writing gurus. Creativity coaching, whatever you want to call it. How many truly successful writers do you know who got their start working with these clowns? I know lots of writers — some more successful than others, and I can’t think of one of them who has ever been a client of a creativity coach. And what about some famous writers, huh? Stephen King? No way. Paul Auster? Nope. Cormac McCarthy? Hell no! It’s a scam. It’s a scam. It’s a scam.
Young Writers
Published December 1st, 2009 | During the NanoWriMo, there was an almost unending stream of solicitations for donations to support that organization’s young writing program. You’d think that funding this program was mission critical as if was the most important achievement in the world.
You know what I just realized? There are literally thousands of these programs out there directed at teen writers. Thousands.
And they all act like the writers of the future won’t become the writers of the future if they don’t start out in one of these programs. What a fucking racket!
If you’re going to be a writing guru scam artist, the aspiring teen writer is really where the money’s at. All you’ve got to be a some random shitbird with a few dubious publication credits to your name. You go buy some rundown farmhouse or cabin at a sheriff’s sale, slap a coat of paint on the barn and call it a youth writing retreat or something. Personally, I think your average teen writer is better off taking a seminar in how to get rid of blackheads than waste a dime on one of these programs. Thing is, I don’t remember there being any of this garbage when I was in high school. When I started writing, it was just me, a notebook, a Smith-Corona manual typewriter and a library card. Oh, there were creative writing contests here and there that were for teens, but I don’t ever remember all these retreats, workshops and the like. When did this sort of thing become so popular? And Seeing as how, there is more arts funding at the state level for projects centered around teens and less for individual writers of genuine merit, I have to ask:what have these programs really accomplished? Are we really churning-out future Hemingways? Are these programs even turning out more teens who can pass the writing part of their statewide high school assessment tests?
