Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for the ‘Wannabes’ Category

Are You a Blogger or Just Another Blockhead?

Dear Asterius,

Just to let you know I decided to stay on at my teaching job for a third year. Still teaching high school English and I’m still contributing to the school’s blog. I still hate it but, with the economy the way it is, I suppose I’m better off than many people. I was reading your recent post, “The Blog That Wouldn’t Die,” and I was thinking that I might start a blog of my own, outside of school. What I really want to know is, can you really make a living blogging and can you give me some advice about where I should start.

Thanks,

No longer a newbie English Teacher

Dear No longer a newbie,

Ahem . . . weren’t you the one who said you “hate blogging,” and that “it is a stupid waste of time”? Now, suddenly, you want to blog? Am I missing something here?

Okay, look . . . for the sake of argument, I’ll assume that you are sincere and maybe had an epiphany in the last six months. I’ll even take a little credit for being part of your conversion. Here’s the thing: if you want to blog just to make money, you are deluding yourself. To answer your question — yes, some bloggers do earn a living blogging. It’s actually pretty rare, but it happens. It’s more plausible to say that many bloggers can make some money blogging than to say that many bloggers earn a living blogging. The majority of bloggers do not make any money blogging, and no blogger that makes money blogging does so just because they want to make money. Bloggers that make money from their blogs do so from advertising revenues of one form or another. They attract these revenues by first attracting readers and advertisers with appealing and useful content. So here are some things you should consider before starting a blog:

Do you really, truly love to write?
If you see writing as a chore and you take no pleasure from putting the almighty word down, you will not be a very effective blogger. Blogging requires passion, sincerity and regular posting activity. Also, blogging requires that you log a lot of hours on the Internet, surfing, reading, researching. You have to be curious and disciplined. Are you, or are you just another blockhead looking to get rich quick without any effort?

What will be the focus of your blog?
Your blog has to be about something. What do you love? What are your interests? What do you know? Whatever your answers to those questions, that’s what your blog should probably focus on.

Once you’ve figured all that out, you need to decide which blogging platform you want to use and where you want to host it. Blogging platforms come in two flavors, hosted and self-hosted.

Some popular hosted platforms include Wordpress.com, Blogger, Typepad and LiveJournal These are free to use and are friendly to beginning bloggers. I’d recommend starting with one of these platforms until you gain more experience/confidence/readers.

However, if you want to go all-in, then you’ll want to get your own domain and website and host your own blog. Unless you’re planning to host your site on your own servers (probably not in your budget or within scope of your expertise) you’ll have to pay for website hosting and there are plenty of these to choose from (there are commercial webhosts that offer free webspace in small quantities, but these outfits have strict limits on bandwidth, content and don’t normally allow server- side access). You’ll then need to choose a stand-alone blog platform to install on your own website. Some of these include Wordpress (available at .org, not .com), Movable Type, b2evolution, Nucleus, and pMachine. In my opinion, Wordpress is the best of the stand-alone crowd — it’s what I use and I whole-heartedly recommend it. Other options include heavy-duty Content Management Systems like Joomla, Drupal, Geeklog or PhpNuke, however, while these can certainly be used for blogging, I think they are better suited for purposes other than pure blogging and aren’t as easy for the novice to learn as a platform like Wordpress.

So you’ve figured out what kind of blog you want and you’ve got your platform set-up. Now what? Well, now you have to write your posts and promote your blog. This is where all the web surfing and virtual handshaking comes in. The web searching is easy: looking for websites, news sites, and blogs that are discussing things you are interested in. Comment on posts, write posts that respond to other posts or promote your own ideas about the same topic. Some ideas include: lists, reviews, rants, news/information, how-to, useful resources found on the web, opinion. For example, let’s say you’re a foodie and your blog is about cooking and food culture, some topic ideas might be:

10 WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE WITH FOOD

RECIPIE FOR HONEY BLACKENED CATFISH

Okay, you get the idea.

As for promoting your blog, I urge you to join social networks: Facebook, MySpace, etc. List your blog in the blog directories (links to many of these are on my sidebar). Join social networks for bloggers like BlogCatalog, Pijoo, Technorati, StumbleUpon, etc. And let’s not forget Twitter, a popular microblogging site.

And if you are interested in making a little money on the side, there are plenty of places that will put a few bucks in your pocket if your blog meets their criteria, but the main thing is to write for the love of it and write as well as you can because that, ultimately, will draw readers to you and keep them coming back.

You Gotta Be Fuckin’ Kiddin’ Me Pt 5

If you thought you’d heard the last of Samuel “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher, think again. Joe the Plumber is the lastest in a growing list of nitwit psuedo-celebrities to sign a book deal. Apparently, the book has already been ghostwritten, printed, packaged and is now available for sale from a so-called publisher of books with a neo-con/social conservative slant. PearlGate Publishing — an outfit I’ve never heard of before today, has only published one other book, as far as I can tell. It’s a novel — you know, one of those evangelical stories along the lines of Left Behind. Wurzelbacher’s book is allegedly a memoir of the true story of his sudden ascension into the spotlight. It’s called Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream. Here’s a peek at the jacket copy:

“Joe The Plumber” was catapulted into the media spotlight after asking, then Senator Barack Obama a simple question while campaigning in Joe’s neighborhood. Their famous exchange has been replayed for millions of viewers the world over. Joe has since become an American folk hero and the ultimate icon of the working class.

Joe The Plumber - Fighting for the American Dream follows Joe’s adventures in the media and along the campaign trail up to the 2008 Presidential Election. Discover the Real Story that hasn’t been told about his rendezvous with Obama, the real and personal impact of the illegal invasion of his privacy by Ohio State officials, his eye-opening experience with Governor Sarah Palin, and the tough question he asked John McCain while on his Straight Talk Express.

Hmm . . . is there really a market for this book? Did someone actually pay him for this book? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t claim to be a book marketing expert, but I’m really scratching my head on this one. I mean, a Miley Cyrus or a Paris Hilton at least have a wide base of fans who represent an actual market for their books. You can see a publishing company actually making money on those books regardless of the fact that such books lack substance or literary merit. But who the fuck is going to buy a book by Joe the Plumber? “Ultimate icon of the working class?” Huh? Get the fuck outta here! Honestly, I think I can speak for most people in saying that no one cares. And it’s not as if no one knows the story. It’s not even a very interesting story. So someone please explain to me (unless he has a saucey anecdote in the book about getting a blowjob from Sarah Palin) why anyone would shell out $24.95 to read about this douchebag. It’s not like he’s writing a manual for aspiring plumbers or anything that might actually have useful information in it. He has nothing to say and no one to say his nothing to.

Ugh . . . I Think I Just Vomited in My Mouth

Some days, I receive submissions that are so goddamn awful that I’m embarrassed for the author. In fact, being as this is the holiday shopping season, I’m thinking I should start replying to some of these submissions with accompanying gift baskets chock full o’ advice for these pathetic newbies. Case in point: Yesterday, I opened this email by this wannabe poet and before I even got down the page to his sappy, insipid, trite, cringe-inducing “poetry,” I was forced to read this long-winded and equally cringe-inducing cover letter that was primarily a third-person bio:

K— F— is a published author of poetry, prose, short stories, music lyrics, and essays. His keen insight into the human experience which he attributes to his own often complicated existence has led him to create several unique published writings. Well known stories like “The Sapphire Moon” which highlights Keaton’s powerful ability to convey human emotions across a wide array of genres.

Although an avid writer on fiction, poetry and prose are K—’s first love. Many of his poems often deal with deep personal issues that many of his avid readers will be able to relate to in powerful, emotion-filled ways. K—’s writings hold nothing back in their raw, true, powerful form.
K— leaves no stone unturned in his quest to expose all the deep dark secrets hiding behind closed doors.

K— also likes to push the envelope of mainstream writing. He Lives to question topics such as faith, God, death, and what it all means to live this thing called life. No subject is taboo for K—, as long as it leads to a better understanding of the human condition.

Born and raised in Saco, Maine in the early 1970s. K— F— had spent his early years living in a highly dysfunctional family environment. Drug abuse, alcoholism, physical and mental abuse where all part of K—’s daily life growing up in Maine. Abandoned by his mother when he was twelve, K— has long since known what it takes to survive in an often-inhospitable world.

His past and present life is constant source for his writings and poetry. F— uses his craft to express his feelings about his youth in an effort to convey to others his past experiences and emotions. Many recent changes in his life, including the birth of his first child and graduating from college have all given F— new insight and new fuel to stoke the passionate creative writing fire that burns within him.

Ever since his earliest days, he loved storytelling, particularly poetry. He enjoys writing not only to entertain his legions of fans, he enjoys writing to challenge the reality of all that he has come to believe and see in his unique life. K— F— currently lives in Florida with his wife and young son.

The message continues to include a full annotated bibliography of every website (links included) where his writing has appeared.

.

Now, I’ve already dealt with the subject of cover letters a long time ago in “So What, You Are a Poet, No One Cares, Pt. 2,” but the information can always be restated for the terminally clueless. This guy makes a number of mistakes before he even get around to showcasing his poems:

Keep it short

Cover letters should not fill more than one half of one standard page. No editor wants to read a dissertation.

A Bio isn’t the same thing as a Biography

When editors say to “include a bio” it doesn’t mean they want to hear your life story. They only want 2 or 3 lines about your professional accomplishments and (at most) a line or two about yourself. I think I can speak for most editors when I say I don’t really care about your personal shit. And it’s not that I’m unfeeling or inhuman — it’s just that your personal hang-ups with abuse or drugs or whatever the fuck are completely irrelevant to your submission and whether or not I should accept anything. I mean, I’ve had women, for example, who’ve sent pictures of themselves in lingerie and bikinis and whatnot along with their poetry. Sometimes they’re even attractive, but what does that have to do with their writing? Do they want me to seriously consider their poetry or whack-off to a picture? Also, no glossy head shots, family pics of babies and dogs.

If you are going to include your publishing credentials, make sure they are credible

Honestly (and this goes for experienced writers as well), I have no interest in reading a long list of publication credits — especially a list that includes links to other websites. Just 3-6 pub credits will do. And they’d better be real pub credits to real publications. Those writing community sites where anyone can post any old piece of crap to the website do not count. F— K— only listed one pub credit in his long list of creds that can even remotely be considered as legitimate and that one wasn’t even a good, quality publication. If you don’t have real publishing experience, it’s just better all the way around to just simply state that as a fact. “I’m a newbie.” No shame in that. We were all newbies at one time or another. But community sites, forums, and Poetry.com are not the same thing as the real thing and I don’t know one editor who’ll pretend otherwise.

Do not oversell yourself, especially if you don’t have much to sell

I’m of the belief that good writing kind of speaks for itself. But regardless, of the quality of your writing, it’s simply bad mojo to say things like, “many of his avid readers will be able to relate to in powerful, emotion-filled ways. K—’s writings hold nothing back in their raw, true, powerful form.
K— leaves no stone unturned in his quest to expose all the deep dark secrets hiding behind closed doors.” What the fuck is that about? See how that kind of sales pitch can really raise my expectations? I’m expecting to have my head blown back. You make a promise like that, an editor damn well expects you to deliver! After that, your poems better not turn out to be a suckfest.