Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for the ‘Wannabes’ Category

I Can Teach You How to Write in 3 Little Words

My alter-ego, “Craig” received the final installment of his mini-course “Six Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and Publishing Success,” from Rachel Plummer this morning. I’m not sure how much of this last message I want to post here because it’s rather redundant and is an even more blatant sales pitch for her ebook course than the first two installments. For example, “Secret #5″ is really the same thing as “Secret #2,” albeit expressed in slightly different language. “Secret #6″ amounts to going to seminars to meet agents and editors and sucking up to them or, barring that, learn how to write a query letter :

Often there are guest editors and agents you can meet at seminars. It’s much easier to submit your work to someone who “knows” you and possibly told you to send them your manuscript than it is to send your work “cold” to a prospect.

The next best thing to meeting an editor or publisher in person is to meet them through a query letter that really grabs their attention.

I don’t know about you guys, but I wasn’t aware that there was any reason to attend writing conferences other than to meet people who could be helpful to your writing career.

And that bit about query letters? Don’t agents and publishers say as much on their own websites?

She goes on to say:

. . . the best way to know if you’re writing the most compelling query letter you can
is to talk it over with a professional first. A one-hour marketing consultation is just one of the superb
PERSONALIZED bonuses I offer with my e-book course: “5 Little Words That Guarantee Your Publishing Success” <--website url snipped-->

But hurry if you want to get in on the deal. At the current low price, I don’t know how long I can continue to include the great bonuses.

The idea being that the very best way to become a successful writer is to sign-up for her course and take her advice.

Listen, if you are a novice writer, there is no shame in wanting to improve yourself. And it’s a given that you would want help doing that. What you have to understand is that these writing gurus with their “tips” and “secrets” and overpriced ebook courses are not really interested in helping you — they are interested in helping themselves to your money. They feed on your hope and your desperation and count on you being too stupid to know better.

But there are no secrets to writing. There are no keys, codes, or programs. No mantras, magic spells, blood sacrifices or other rituals that will turn you into a successful writer. No short-cuts. At the end of the day, there is just you, sitting at your keyboard with all the ability, desire and hustle you have to give. There, that’s 3 little words and I’m offering them to you for free. Because everything else is just information — and it is everywhere and it, too, is usually free if you’re looking in the right place.

As for poor “Craig” — he’s too stupid to live, so I’m going to take him out back and put him out of his misery in a little while.

I Don’t Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout No Writin’

My alias, “Craig” just received lessons number #3 and #4 of Rachel Plummer’s 3-day mini-course. Despite “Craig’s” objections, I’m going to share these with you (why should I have all the fun):

Hi Craig,

Two days ago you requested

“Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

I do hope you got around to reading

Secret #1: Turning Ideas into Novels and Secret #2: Writing Books Publishers Can’t
Put Down

More important, I hope you’ve been considering how to use the secrets you were
presented in the first installment

Now it’s time to take a look at secrets 3 and 4.

Notice how she reminds “Craig” about the email from day 1. This accomplishes three things:

1. It tells “Craig” that she’s really serious about turning him into a writer.
2. It reminds him, just in case he didn’t read lessons #1 and #2, that he should read it.
3. And it challenges “Craig’s” seriousness. In doing so, it reinforces in the newbie’s mind that he will fail in his quest if he doesn’t stick with her advice.

Secret #3: Writing a Credible Novel

Writing a credible novel means that your readers
believe what’s happening in the book. Whether
it’s a mystery or fantasy, the worlds you create
in your book need to be believable within the
context of your story.

That means that you must build believable
characters whose motivation is believable for
that character.

In other words, if Joan decides to play amateur
sleuth to discover what happened to a neighbor
who disappeared, and Joan is putting herself
in a lot of danger to do that, you have to
give Joan believable motivation.

Get into Joan’s skin. Why is it so important
for Joan to find out what happened to her
neighbor? Is it something that happened in
her past? Is it something the neighbor did for
her that she’s trying to repay?

(note: Perhaps Joan is just a big ole nibshit — in which case motivation is far less important to the story or to the reader than Joan’s personality)

Character motivation is the key to creating
believable novels, no matter what genre you
work in.

Keep this in mind when developing your characters
and plots, and it’ll go a long way in helping
you write novels that sell.

*******************************************

Secret #4: Let Your Book “Breathe” to Maximize
Its Impact

Writing a novel is a long-term committment.
Even if you finish the first draft in 30 days,
you’re going to have to spend time polishing
that draft. The second and third drafts, or
even fifth and sixth, are where the novel
really comes together.

The problem is, after spending so much time
with your work, it can be really difficult to
read your novel objectively. You’re too close
to the characters and plot to pick up mistakes
in pacing or know when something isn’t clear.

The best thing you can do is have someone
else look at your book at this point. But
please note, by “someone” I don’t mean
your husband or wife or next door neighbor–
unless they happen to be professional writers
or editors.

Family and friends don’t really know what to
look for in a novel. They’re usually very
impressed that you’ve written a book at all,
and can’t judge it the way an editor or publisher
will. You need someone who knows about
writing and the writing business to tell
you what’s right and wrong with your book. I’ve
been doing this for fifteen years, ten as a
professional, and I still have several writer
friends read my work before I’ll even consider
sending it out.

After the first draft, your book isn’t really
ready for a complete edit. You need a general
critique of the work to make sure you’re on the
right track and, if your not, to guide you back
on it.

(note: here it comes . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)

I offer just such a critique FREE with my
e-book course “5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Publishing Success” found at <--snip-->

(Ah-ah! See there. On her mini-site for her course, she’s offering to give a “comprehensive” critique, not a “general” critique. There is a difference — a huge difference in scope but, more importantly, a huge difference in the fee a pro freelance editor would charge for this service. So her free “bonus” is nothing of the sort.)

This is really quite an astounding bonus considering the
low price of the course and what you generally
pay for a multi-page critique of your work.

(Note how she again referrences the full critique thereby, twisting the different levels of critique together as if they were interchangeable.)

If you haven’t decided on a professional critique
yet, the next best way to “see” your work more
clearly is to let it rest for a month or two. This
means you should put the manuscript away in a
desk drawer or file cabinet, and don’t look at
it at all for at least a month (longer if you feel
you’re still too close to it).

You’ll be amazed at how many mistakes and
problems you run across this way.

Before you send your book out to publishers
and agents, you want to give it the best
chance you can. The writing business is
very competitive. If a publisher or agent
sees problems with your book the first
time around, they won’t ask to see it–or
anything else your write–again.

It’s well worth the time and extra effort
to make sure you get it right. And just remember,
Craig, I’m here to help if you need me :-)!

Okay, so lesson #3 is that fiction needs to have believable characters? Really? I never would have guessed.

Of course, lesson #4 takes the prize. Letting the novel “breathe”? Okay, that might be the case for some writers, but not universally true for all writers. Some writers can and do revise as they go and are quite successful this way. Others start revising their work the moment they finish a draft. Others do let their draft sit in a drawer for weeks, months, or sometimes even years before they finish it. And yes, some do seek the help of a freelance editor — but, hopefully, an editor with noted ability and a solid track-record in that field and a reputation for honesty. I strongly suspect this “tip” is more about the dumbshits who sign-up for the full course and keeping them on the string so she doesn’t have to honor her “money-back” guarantee.

Anyhow, I can’t convince “Craig” that this is just a lot of bullshit to get him to pay the big bucks for the full-course con job, so I guess we’ll have to take a look at lessons #5 and #6, which drops on Tuesday or thereabouts.

So, until next round . . .

Mrs. Malaprop Gave Me a Lapdance Last Night and I Still Have a Hard-on This Morning

I was reading this poetry submission for the 13thWR last night that was written, more or less, in iambic hexameter. Can’t say the poem was very good, nor can I say it was the worst thing I’ve read this week. In fact, the only thing notable about the submission (and the reason I’m bringing it up here) is that in the cover letter, the poet referred to the form as being “ambic oximeter.” That had me howling with laughter! “Hexameter,” of course, is a formal poem written with six metrical feet per line — examples being the Greek epics like The Illiad. An “oximeter” or pulse oximeter is a type of medical instrument they clip on your fingertip in the hospital to measure the oxygen level in your blood.

It’s seems Mrs. Malaprop is alive and well and I really shouldn’t be surprised. After all, we have a President who’s famous for his own “Bush-isms.” When characters in a literary work or film misspeak deliberately for comic or ironic effect, it’s one thing — when they do it unintentionally in real life it’s just sad and ignorant.