Diary of a Mad Editor

I remember back in the day, when I belonged to this writer’s group, their was this woman who truly believed she’d become this big name writer and win all the major literary prizes. She was so convinced of this, that it was the motivating force behind he writing. After several years of failure on her part, she gave up and became a part-time teacher/housewife. Without getting into the question of whether or not she had any talent, I will say that I’ve always believed that writing is a kind of spiritual calling as opposed to a profession. What I mean by that is that, simply put, a calling is something you pursue regardless of fame, fortune or winning trophies and awards. A job is something you do strictly because you are being paid to do it.  Admit it, if you were working a Walmart and the manager suddenly came up to you one day and said, “Kid, we’ve decided that you need to give us three days a week with no pay in order to keep your job,” you wouldn’t show up for work the next day. Well . . . a true writer doesn’t quit writing when he realizes that there are no great rewards in his future. He persists to last breath. That’s a calling.

When I was a little kid I dreamed about being a rock star. Even now, I sometimes daydream about standing on stage rocking out with my guitar and a boss gt 6. It’s a nice fantasy. But that’s all it is. I can’t play a lick of music. I’ve had lessons. Clarinet. Guitar. I don’t have even a little bit of musical talent. Can’t sing. Can’t dance. And I don’t play an instrument.

But from an early age, I had what my dear old Ma calls “a way with words.”  I dreamed of becoming a successful writer.  The rock star dream is a pipe dream — just something to entertain myself once in awhile. The writing dream at least had a reasonable chance of coming true. Except I haven’t written a poem in almost two years and I haven’t written a piece of fiction in almost a year. Though I’m loathe to admit it (and I hate the term anyway), I’m suffering from writer’s block for the first time in my life. I know this inability to write has nothing to do with writing and everything to do with a profound loss of confidence. Lots of really shitty things have happened to me these last several years and it’s just caught up to me. I’ve lost my mojo and do not know how to get it back. I’ve tried the usual tricks to get myself writing again. Free writing. Themes. I’ve even tried hypnosis. Nothing. I fear that I’ve lost my way permanently. What if that’s the case? What will I do?