Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for the ‘Shits and Giggles’ Category

I Don’t Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout No Writin’

My alias, “Craig” just received lessons number #3 and #4 of Rachel Plummer’s 3-day mini-course. Despite “Craig’s” objections, I’m going to share these with you (why should I have all the fun):

Hi Craig,

Two days ago you requested

“Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

I do hope you got around to reading

Secret #1: Turning Ideas into Novels and Secret #2: Writing Books Publishers Can’t
Put Down

More important, I hope you’ve been considering how to use the secrets you were
presented in the first installment

Now it’s time to take a look at secrets 3 and 4.

Notice how she reminds “Craig” about the email from day 1. This accomplishes three things:

1. It tells “Craig” that she’s really serious about turning him into a writer.
2. It reminds him, just in case he didn’t read lessons #1 and #2, that he should read it.
3. And it challenges “Craig’s” seriousness. In doing so, it reinforces in the newbie’s mind that he will fail in his quest if he doesn’t stick with her advice.

Secret #3: Writing a Credible Novel

Writing a credible novel means that your readers
believe what’s happening in the book. Whether
it’s a mystery or fantasy, the worlds you create
in your book need to be believable within the
context of your story.

That means that you must build believable
characters whose motivation is believable for
that character.

In other words, if Joan decides to play amateur
sleuth to discover what happened to a neighbor
who disappeared, and Joan is putting herself
in a lot of danger to do that, you have to
give Joan believable motivation.

Get into Joan’s skin. Why is it so important
for Joan to find out what happened to her
neighbor? Is it something that happened in
her past? Is it something the neighbor did for
her that she’s trying to repay?

(note: Perhaps Joan is just a big ole nibshit — in which case motivation is far less important to the story or to the reader than Joan’s personality)

Character motivation is the key to creating
believable novels, no matter what genre you
work in.

Keep this in mind when developing your characters
and plots, and it’ll go a long way in helping
you write novels that sell.

*******************************************

Secret #4: Let Your Book “Breathe” to Maximize
Its Impact

Writing a novel is a long-term committment.
Even if you finish the first draft in 30 days,
you’re going to have to spend time polishing
that draft. The second and third drafts, or
even fifth and sixth, are where the novel
really comes together.

The problem is, after spending so much time
with your work, it can be really difficult to
read your novel objectively. You’re too close
to the characters and plot to pick up mistakes
in pacing or know when something isn’t clear.

The best thing you can do is have someone
else look at your book at this point. But
please note, by “someone” I don’t mean
your husband or wife or next door neighbor–
unless they happen to be professional writers
or editors.

Family and friends don’t really know what to
look for in a novel. They’re usually very
impressed that you’ve written a book at all,
and can’t judge it the way an editor or publisher
will. You need someone who knows about
writing and the writing business to tell
you what’s right and wrong with your book. I’ve
been doing this for fifteen years, ten as a
professional, and I still have several writer
friends read my work before I’ll even consider
sending it out.

After the first draft, your book isn’t really
ready for a complete edit. You need a general
critique of the work to make sure you’re on the
right track and, if your not, to guide you back
on it.

(note: here it comes . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)

I offer just such a critique FREE with my
e-book course “5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Publishing Success” found at <--snip-->

(Ah-ah! See there. On her mini-site for her course, she’s offering to give a “comprehensive” critique, not a “general” critique. There is a difference — a huge difference in scope but, more importantly, a huge difference in the fee a pro freelance editor would charge for this service. So her free “bonus” is nothing of the sort.)

This is really quite an astounding bonus considering the
low price of the course and what you generally
pay for a multi-page critique of your work.

(Note how she again referrences the full critique thereby, twisting the different levels of critique together as if they were interchangeable.)

If you haven’t decided on a professional critique
yet, the next best way to “see” your work more
clearly is to let it rest for a month or two. This
means you should put the manuscript away in a
desk drawer or file cabinet, and don’t look at
it at all for at least a month (longer if you feel
you’re still too close to it).

You’ll be amazed at how many mistakes and
problems you run across this way.

Before you send your book out to publishers
and agents, you want to give it the best
chance you can. The writing business is
very competitive. If a publisher or agent
sees problems with your book the first
time around, they won’t ask to see it–or
anything else your write–again.

It’s well worth the time and extra effort
to make sure you get it right. And just remember,
Craig, I’m here to help if you need me :-)!

Okay, so lesson #3 is that fiction needs to have believable characters? Really? I never would have guessed.

Of course, lesson #4 takes the prize. Letting the novel “breathe”? Okay, that might be the case for some writers, but not universally true for all writers. Some writers can and do revise as they go and are quite successful this way. Others start revising their work the moment they finish a draft. Others do let their draft sit in a drawer for weeks, months, or sometimes even years before they finish it. And yes, some do seek the help of a freelance editor — but, hopefully, an editor with noted ability and a solid track-record in that field and a reputation for honesty. I strongly suspect this “tip” is more about the dumbshits who sign-up for the full course and keeping them on the string so she doesn’t have to honor her “money-back” guarantee.

Anyhow, I can’t convince “Craig” that this is just a lot of bullshit to get him to pay the big bucks for the full-course con job, so I guess we’ll have to take a look at lessons #5 and #6, which drops on Tuesday or thereabouts.

So, until next round . . .

Mrs. Malaprop Gave Me a Lapdance Last Night and I Still Have a Hard-on This Morning

I was reading this poetry submission for the 13thWR last night that was written, more or less, in iambic hexameter. Can’t say the poem was very good, nor can I say it was the worst thing I’ve read this week. In fact, the only thing notable about the submission (and the reason I’m bringing it up here) is that in the cover letter, the poet referred to the form as being “ambic oximeter.” That had me howling with laughter! “Hexameter,” of course, is a formal poem written with six metrical feet per line — examples being the Greek epics like The Illiad. An “oximeter” or pulse oximeter is a type of medical instrument they clip on your fingertip in the hospital to measure the oxygen level in your blood.

It’s seems Mrs. Malaprop is alive and well and I really shouldn’t be surprised. After all, we have a President who’s famous for his own “Bush-isms.” When characters in a literary work or film misspeak deliberately for comic or ironic effect, it’s one thing — when they do it unintentionally in real life it’s just sad and ignorant.

Bad Bodyguard or Author Behaving Badly?

The Associated Press is reporting today that Lit-Celeb, Salman Rushdie of The Satanic Verses fame is threatening to sue Ron Evans, one of his former policeman bodyguards over the impending publication of Evans’ memoir On Her Majesty’s Service because of some unkind disclosures about fellow policemen and Rushdie allegedly contained in the book.

Well, you know . . . I have no idea whether the allegations about Rushdie are true, although I’ve heard from the usual unreliable sources ( a friend of a friend of a friend’s cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s sister who heard it from a waiter in a NY restaurant) that Rushdie is an asshole. I’ve never met the man, so I’ll take that information with a grain of salt. Although, I did find it interesting that Rushdie’s the only one vehemently denying Evans’ version. The official spokesman for the Metropolitan Police in London didn’t deny the allegations, only stating that the publication of the book was “unfortunate.” That can easily be translated into “that book embarrasses us, but it embarrasses us because it’s true.” When I think about Evans’ story, I’m suddenly overcome with the image of the police from Irvine Welsh’s novel, Filth. Ha-Ha.

So, is the bodyguard the bad guy here or is Rushdie the real heavy? Undoubtedly, Evans wouldn’t have even mentioned Rushdie were he not a lit-celeb knighted by the Queen. Nonetheless, that doesn’t automatically make him a liar.

What is funny to me is that no one would even give a shit about this book had Rushdie not gone all Mr. Cranky-Pants about it. Now, if the book is published (and probably, even if it isn’t), Evans will get his fifteen minutes of fame and people will put Rushdie under the microscope.