Diary of a Mad Editor

There’s this dude who keeps submitting poems to me. Every day, he emails one poem to me. Imagine finding a really bad new poem in your inbox every single day by the same bad poet. Imagine this is in addition to dozens of other submissions by other writers that also arrive every single day.

Wouldn’t you get really annoyed if you had to send the same person a fresh rejection notice every day if you were an editor of a literary magazine and you had thousands of submissions flowing to you every day, but part of your day was being wasted by a godsmack awful writer who doesn’t follow submission guidelines — a fellow whose submission practices border on harassment. My guidelines firmly state that I don’t want to see multiple submissions (in other words, I don’t want to see new material from the same writer until I’ve read and responded to old material). And I certainly don’t want to see a person whose written 365 new poems send them to me one at a time day-in, day-out.

They have submission services for writers — companies that will submit to magazines on a writer’s behalf so said writer doesn’t have to deal with the submission guidelines or have any direct contact with editors, etc. I wish there was a service like iDump4U.com that actually rejected writers on an editors behalf.

It’s not that I’m a pussy or anything. It’s just that I’m at a point in my life where dealing with certain kinds of writers . . . um . . . well . . . I’m just past it. It’s not like me and this poet are going to be picking outwedding napkins together anytime soon. No, what this guy is doing is akin to being water-boarded or some shit. It’s a tactic, you know. He thinks if he keeps sending me a poem every day, I’ll get so tired of rejecting him, I’ll just accept one of his shit poems to get rid of him.

No, I’ve already warned him. What does usually happen in cases like this is I’ll just reach a point where I’ll just stop reading his emails and block the fucker altogether. I don’t want to do that, but what has become so tiresome for me over the years is having to explain to dumb-ass, no-talent writers why I’ve rejected them and have them a) respond to me with a dear-in-the-headlights, "huh?" and continue to ignore my attempts to educate them, doing the same thing that annoyed me in the first place or b) respond with vitriolic, self-deluding comments because I dared to reject their work. It would be so much easier if I had a Bradley to contact these kinds of writers on my behalf and have him be the bad guy instead of being pushed into being that bad guy myself.

This past week much has been made about Mystery Writer’s of America’s decision to delist Harlequin for it’s dalliance with pay-to-publish services. Many self-publishers are up in arms over this decision because it’s prejudiced against those who self-publish.

Given that MWA has always excluded self-publishers and vanity publishers in its membership guidelines, I’m not sure why anyone should be surprised by this move. Harlequin is clearly in violation of MWA’s bylaws.

That being said, I think MWA’s prejudice is ridiculous. Given that more and more traditional publishers are experimenting with new business models and alternative streams of revenue. Given that more and more writers are pursuing publication through alternative means. Given that many small independent and micro-presses and their writers do not meet criteria for MWA inclusion. The MWA is hurting itself more than it’s hurting Harlequin. It is risking making itself completely irrelevant as a group and the Edgar Award meaningless.

I say this with love MWA, but seriously — you should be promoting quality writing, not exclusivity. Believe me, I do understand MWA’s decision to exclude Harlequin and we should all be mindful of publishing practices that could be construed as unethical, but MWA’s bylaws also clearly speak to a larger prejudice.

Let’s set aside the argument over the difference between self-publishers and vanity publishers for the time being and just focus on those micro-presses who do small runs under MWA’s 500 copy minimum, whose titles are only available for sale a brick ‘n’ mortar booksellers by special order. Let’s say Joe Schmoe, a cutting edge mystery writer writes THE GREATEST MYSTERY NOVEL EVER, but there’s only about 300 copies of his book printed and it’s only available for sale via Amazon and the publisher’s website. Granted, this scenario is unlikely, but it’s not impossible and it’s becoming less and less unlikely that this could happen.

Let’s say in the year Joe Schmoe’s book is published, A-list Mystery Writer X releases his upteenth serial detective novel — a book most critics and readers agree isn’t quite as good as the author’s earlier work (and certainly not as good as Joe Schmoe’s book that hardly anyone’s even heard of at this point). But, as circumstances would have it, Writer X’s book is better than the latest novels by Writers Y, Z, and M, so he wins his fifth or sixth or seven Edgar Award even though Joe probably should’ve won save for the fact that he doesn’t qualify for membership or consideration for the award.

My point is this: If Joe Schmoe could become a member of MWA and win their award, maybe more people would hear about Joe’s wonderful book and this would lead to a larger print run and perhaps even a contract with a major publishing house. What is the purpose of organizations like the MWA if not to make it possible for this sort of thing to happen? And if organizations like the MWA are not looking out for writers like Joe Schmoe, isn’t their purpose ultimately to perpetuate the big circle-jerk that’s killing traditional publishing? Am I alone in thinking this way? Seriously. These publishing traditionalists are so pregnant with self-righteousness and indignant rage against self-publishing that I feel like handing these clowns prenatal vitamins and a lifetime supply of diapers.

I was looking for more information on a story I’d read earlier about certain families who still live in FEMA trailers four years and counting after Katrina. One of the links that popped-up in the search results didn’t, as it turned out, have anything directly to do with the story, but I was astounded and deeply offended by it: It’s a discussion forum for trailer park owners and managers. In this one topic discussion, a bunch of these degenerate assholes were talking about how they deal with "deadbeats."

I have to confess that I lived in a mobile home for the first eight and a half years of my life and, seeing as how my family were screwed over by an unscrupulous landlord and forced to sell-out and find new digs elsewhere, I have a certain amount of sympathy for people who are forced to live in mobile homes. That there are nearly 20 million people in the U.S. currently living in trailers — that nearly the entire market for the mobile home industry is the working poor and that there are people like these fucks on that forum who make their living taking advantage of these people, really irks me.

Anyway here is some of what these jerks had to say:

"An early park owner told me this story. Before you file eviction on a tenant, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do file the eviction, you’re a mile away from them and have their shoes." — Frank

"Our residents are not dogs but I’m learning the hard way that many of them must be trained as if they were." — Rolf

"This is a business. You can’t go to the grocery store and say I am a little short this week, and still buy that delicious steak. They will tell you to buy hamburger instead or eat beans." — Robert

Lots of talk about "priorities" on here. Bill collectors and those like them  don’t really care why you can’t pay them their money. It doesn’t matter to them if you’re out of work or deathly ill and have medical bills you can’t pay. It doesn’t matter that you need your car to go to work or that you need to eat and have clothes to wear. Or, if you have kids, that they need to eat and have clothes to wear. Someone who owns a chain of trailer parks probably can’t understand what it’s like to wonder where your next payday is coming from or having to choose between paying a utility bill, rent or feeding your family. These pricks pay their own mortgages by exploiting the misfortune of the less fortunate. I figure, when you provide a service to a class of people who you know going in don’t have a lot of financial resources, you know damn well, they may, from time to time, be unable to pay you on time, so suck it. And, BTW, since when is "pizza" a luxury? Or eating at a diner. Try buying the ingredients at a supermarket these days to cook meals for a whole week as cheaply as you can eat at most diners. Of course, a poor family can always eat beans, right? And day old bread is a good deal too if you don’t mind eating something with the consistency of a brick.  And why not forget about buying milk or orange juice and just stick to tap water. It’s all good as long as the landlord gets his money on time. In any event, I certainly wouldn’t brag about throwing people out on the street like it’s a sport.

Not the usual topic for this blog. Just something that pissed me off this morning, I thought I’d share.