Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

5 Little Words That Guarantee Your Publishing Success

“Discover the secret every best-selling novelist
knows about writing novels that SELL!”

Looking to jump start your career as a writer?
Just learning a few key techniques can make
all the difference to your success.

“5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Publishing Success” is the culmination
of what I’ve learned working as a
professional writer for over 10 years.

Plus you get 4 FREE PERSONALIZED bonuses
worth more than 5 times your investment!
An incredible offer for the incredible price
of just $197!

Or, if you prefer, you can buy the ebook
along with 2 GREAT BONUSES worth over $100
for just $19.95!

Best of all, you can try this amazing e-book
WITHOUT RISK for 90 Days.

“5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Writing Success”

And if you believe that load of crap, I got some cheap auto insurance I’d like to sell ya!

Yeah, that’s right . . . another one of those writing gurus has reared their head. Let’s see if our aim is straight enough to hit the target, shall we.

M. Rachel Plummer — children’s book author. Her resume includes several books — at least two of her own (one seems to have been published by a vanity press) and some work-for-hire assignments with book packager 17th Street Productions (the same outfit involved in that plagiarism scandal a couple of years ago). Apparently, writing children’s books wasn’t paying the rent for her so she decided to add writing guru scam artist to her resume.

Anyway, when I stumbled upon her website the other day, I was howling with laughter. It’s one of those Clickbank mini-sites with all the power buzzwords and the usual testimonials about how great the program is.

Well, I wasn’t about to spend $200 on her ebook and “bonuses,” or even $20 for the ebook sans bonuses, so I did the next best thing — I created an alias and signed-up for the 3-day mini-course. Here’s what I was sent on the first day:

Hi Craig,

Thank you for requesting my complimentary Mini-course…

“6 Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

Inside this mini-couse you’ll discover the
secrets to writing and selling your novel.
So let’s get started…

“6 Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

By Award-winning Novelist Rachel Plummer
(Note: she was “awarded” an honorable mention in one of those Writer’s Digest contests. For those who care about such matters, it ain’t exactly a Newberry medal, now is it?)

Author, “5 Little Words That Guarantee
Your Publishing Success”

(note: There was another link to her ebook course here and several testimonial which I snipped)

I’ll be sending out your 3-part email course
every other day. so since today is Friday,
expect the second part of the course on
Sunday and the third part on Tuesday.

In this mini-course we’ll touch on what professional
writers know about:

1) Turning ideas into novels

2) Writing books publishers can’t put down

Time to reveal the first two secrets
to becoming a published novelist…

Secret #1: Turning ideas into novels

Ideas are everywhere, so why is it so hard to
come up with an idea for a novel?

The answer is, it’s really not. It’s learning
how to turn that idea into a full 200-300 page
work of fiction that often seems impossible.

Maybe your story starts strong and then fizzles out.
Perhaps you can’t come up with an ending. Or you
write your characters into a corner they — and
you — can’t get out of.

Bestselling novelists aren’t necessarily any more
talented than you are. Talent has really very
little to do with writing a successful novel.

When you’re writing a novel, it’s technique that
counts. Without knowing how to write a novel,
you’re going to have a hard time finishing it
and getting it published.

Most people don’t realize that writing fiction is
something you have to learn to do. Just because you
typed a few papers in high school and can put together
a letter to Aunt May doesn’t mean you know how
to write a novel.

It always surprises me when people think they can
simply sit down and type a 300-page manuscript
that’s going to read like the bestseller they
recently picked up at Borders.

Those same people would think you were crazy if
you suggested they sit down and play a Chopin
etude when they’d never had a piano lesson.

But just as you need to learn to read notes and
play scales before you can play a Beethoven sonata,
you need to learn the craft of writing.

Once you do, those ideas you have but can’t seem
to do anything with will be a thing of the past.
You’ll be able to write a novel on whatever you
want, any time you want, without hesitation.

The fact that you’re seeking help to write your
novel is an excellent sign. It means you’re serious
about pursuing your dream and willing to take the
steps necessary to make it come true.

A good writing course can make all the difference
between getting published and wishing you were.

Keep reading to learn more about what you can do
to become a successful author.

*************************************

Secret #2: Writing books publishers can’t put down

If you love to write it’s probably because you
love to read. There’s nothing better than finding
a great book that so totally captivates you, you
end up losing a night’s sleep because you can’t
put it down.

What is it about these books? What magic formulas
do the authors know that you don’t?

Surprisingly, it’s nothing you can’t learn in a few
days and accomplish with a little practice.

Pacing is one of the most important elements to
learn for keeping readers (and publishers)
on the edge of their seats.

So what exactly is pacing? It’s the rhythm of your
book, the way it flows. Next time you watch a sitcom
notice how you “feel” the joke coming after a setup,
how even if you’re in another room, you recognize
when enough time has elapsed for you to hear a
burst of canned laughter.

This is pacing. And it goes wrong when you make
things happen too fast or too slow.

When pacing is too fast, it’s usually due to a
writer being too anxious to get to the punch line.
Make sure that you’ve milked every bit of tension
from your scene before you end it.

Most of the time, however, the problem with
new writers is that their pacing is too slow.
One of the major reasons is that they use too many
unnecessary words.

For instance, someone may write, “My father
loved to drink. It was ‘almost’ as if it took
him to another world.” What they really
mean is “My father loved to drink. It was
as if it took him to another world.” The
“almost” is unnecessary. It dilutes the
strength of the sentence. Use enough
of these, and you’ll slow your story
down considerably.

Look for unnecessary words when you edit
your work and get rid of them. This
will go a long way in helping you write a
book that people can’t put down.

Let me get this straight — and correct me if I’m misreading this, but the first two “secrets” are:

1) In order to learn how to write, you have to learn how to write.

2) Pacing.

What? That’s a sample of the great pearls of wisdom I’m being offered? Well, I don’t know about you guys, but “Craig” sure wants to learn more. I feel like an accomplished writer already. Don’t you? Hell, I’m feeling a War and Peace bubbling up from inside me right now . . . no, I guess that was just gas. My bad.

To be continued. . .

No Rejection Slips, No Sticky Notes, Thunder Showers, and Other Disasters

When I was a very young man back in high school and just beginning to send my writing out for possible publication in various periodicals, I had this image in my head of the editorial office my submission would arrive at. It was always the same fantasy: a posh office in a skyscraper (even if the magazine was in Idaho, I always imagined the building was a skyscraper). There’d be a large staff of interns, assistants and secretaries milling about and the editor — no, I mean THE EDITOR — would be sitting happily in his big, leather chair, stroking his graying beard and smoking a pipe with feet propped up on the desk, just waiting for my bits of genius to arrive.

In this fantasy, the staff was mostly female and looked like Playboy Playmates (sometimes they were wearing bikinis or even lingerie — hey, gimme a break, I was about 15 at the time). Anyway, some editorial assistant who looked like Heather Locklear, would scurry into THE EDITOR’S office and hand him my manuscript. He’d smile and put his pipe away and gleefully spend the entire day reading my story or poems or whatever I’d sent him (it didn’t matter what, because I was a genius, after all). THE EDITOR would be so bowled over by my writing he’d not only buy my submission on the spot (for a hefty price, of course), but he’d send a big stretch limo to my house and whisk me off to a power lunch with his buddies, the big LITERARY AGENT and the BOOK PUBLISHER. I’d be a gazillionaire before my 18th birthday!

Ah, would that such fantasties were true.

More than a quarter century later and lots of publication credits in small press publications hardly anyone’s ever heard of and a small press of my own, I’m still waiting for that limo. And the bit about the big office? Well . . . that’s the biggest crock of all.

Right now, I’m in my own office — which is in my bedroom. A tiny desk and work area that is really too small for my PC and all the stacks of submissions. Right now, I’m inundated with submissions and envelopes and no Playboy bunnies — just dust bunnies. Dictionaries and reference books. moving boxes and trash and . . . well, you get the picture. The point is there are no hot, young women running around in their underwear and I don’t have all day to spend on any one writer. And believe you me, buddy, they ain’t all geniuses. Hell, I suspect many of the writers who submit to me can’t even tie their own damn shoes!

No, I’m scrounging around looking for sticky notes because I’ve run out of rejection slips again. I’ve just accidently spilt a box of paper clips on the floor and the light bulb above my head looks like it could go out at any minute so I’m probably going to have to change that soon or else be sitting in the dark. I just got a notice from my web hosting company that my hosting package is up for renewal in 15 days so I have to come up with the money. On top of that, the weatherman is predicting thunder showers this afternoon and I fucking hate rain.

So the moral of this tale is that if you are a young writer sitting around dreaming of bestsellerdom and fame and riches and scantily clad models and editors who live for no other reason other than to read your work — guess again, bucko. That editor is likely someone who’s been through everything you are about to go through and more. He’s a guy who is sitting in a tiny cell of an office space and there are a million tiny little things going wrong in his day that don’t really have anything to do with you necessarily, but tend to put him on edge before your submission even arrives in his inbox. Remember that and know that, in fact, you ain’t no genius, hoss and you’ve got maybe a minute or two of that editor’s time to prove otherwise before he jots a rejection note on a sticky and forgets your name.

You Are a Doo-Doo Head or, Do As I Say Not As I Doo-Doo

Dear Uptight Grammarian:

You know — honest to Christmas, I wasn’t originally going to respond to your email. It’s been sitting in my inbox for 2 weeks and I was going to delete it today. I get a little sick of reading the same complaints by knuckeheads like you who have nothing intelligent or substantive to say beyond the usual whining. It gets tiresome trying to come-up with witty retorts and there’s really very little sport in it for me these days. But, I was chatting with another literary editor yesterday and we were talking about the use of vulgarity in writing, so I thought I could cover that topic by way of a response to you.

Before I address your point about my use of “vulgarities” let me say this about my blog:

1) Yes, I do bend the rules of grammar/mechanics to some degree. This blog is written in a certain style and I bend those rules to fit that style. The manner in which I write this blog merely reinforces everything I’ve said about good writing. If you don’t understand that, I’d suggest you read through my blog more carefully.

2) My “snide, unprofessional attitude”? Is there some special edicate manual for literary editors I’m supposed to know about? I’ve read and responded to thousands and thousands of submissions over the years, and I’d defy but the tiniest percentage of those thousands to even suggest that I was ever unkind or unfair to them. And if I did trash that tiny percentage of writers, they had it coming as far as I’m concerned.

3) Last time I checked, this blog was called Diary of a Mad Editor — not Diary of the Warm, Fuzzy, Well-Manicured Editor so, get over it.

Now, about “vulgarities”:

Yes I do curse to some degree in this blog and elsewhere. But I only use obscenties when they seem appropriate. I’ve never said to any writer not to use obscenities in their writing — only that they use that language when necessary and not frivolously. Foul language, seemingly inappropriate subject matter, extreme violence, explicit sex, gallows humor, taboo subject matter of any kind — all of these things have a place in written communication. Anything that is a part of our human experience has a proper place in our literature. This was what I was discussing with my editor friend. When you write about a subject, you have to be true to that subject. You can’t sanitize it if the subject, by it’s very nature, is unsanitary. Fuck that. Fuck censorship. How are you going to write about something convincingly if you restrain yourself that way. As a writer, you have to embrace the idea of an appropriate level of language. That doesn’t mean that you write something purely for it’s apparent shock value. What it does mean is that if you are writing about a dock worker, for instance, that he walk, talk, dress and exhibit many of the traits of someone of his social class and experience. Same goes with soldiers or cops or anyone else. If you write about a pedophile, you have to capture all the things about him that make him creepy and wrong no matter how taboo.

Now, I realize I’ve deliberately strayed from your email’s topic, but only somewhat because, despite your protestations to the contrary, I think I’ve demonstrated in a roundabout way that I do very much practice what I’ve been preaching.

Can I get an “Amen”?