Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for the ‘Books’ Category

I Can Teach You How to Write in 3 Little Words

My alter-ego, “Craig” received the final installment of his mini-course “Six Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and Publishing Success,” from Rachel Plummer this morning. I’m not sure how much of this last message I want to post here because it’s rather redundant and is an even more blatant sales pitch for her ebook course than the first two installments. For example, “Secret #5″ is really the same thing as “Secret #2,” albeit expressed in slightly different language. “Secret #6″ amounts to going to seminars to meet agents and editors and sucking up to them or, barring that, learn how to write a query letter :

Often there are guest editors and agents you can meet at seminars. It’s much easier to submit your work to someone who “knows” you and possibly told you to send them your manuscript than it is to send your work “cold” to a prospect.

The next best thing to meeting an editor or publisher in person is to meet them through a query letter that really grabs their attention.

I don’t know about you guys, but I wasn’t aware that there was any reason to attend writing conferences other than to meet people who could be helpful to your writing career.

And that bit about query letters? Don’t agents and publishers say as much on their own websites?

She goes on to say:

. . . the best way to know if you’re writing the most compelling query letter you can
is to talk it over with a professional first. A one-hour marketing consultation is just one of the superb
PERSONALIZED bonuses I offer with my e-book course: “5 Little Words That Guarantee Your Publishing Success” <--website url snipped-->

But hurry if you want to get in on the deal. At the current low price, I don’t know how long I can continue to include the great bonuses.

The idea being that the very best way to become a successful writer is to sign-up for her course and take her advice.

Listen, if you are a novice writer, there is no shame in wanting to improve yourself. And it’s a given that you would want help doing that. What you have to understand is that these writing gurus with their “tips” and “secrets” and overpriced ebook courses are not really interested in helping you — they are interested in helping themselves to your money. They feed on your hope and your desperation and count on you being too stupid to know better.

But there are no secrets to writing. There are no keys, codes, or programs. No mantras, magic spells, blood sacrifices or other rituals that will turn you into a successful writer. No short-cuts. At the end of the day, there is just you, sitting at your keyboard with all the ability, desire and hustle you have to give. There, that’s 3 little words and I’m offering them to you for free. Because everything else is just information — and it is everywhere and it, too, is usually free if you’re looking in the right place.

As for poor “Craig” — he’s too stupid to live, so I’m going to take him out back and put him out of his misery in a little while.

I Don’t Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout No Writin’

My alias, “Craig” just received lessons number #3 and #4 of Rachel Plummer’s 3-day mini-course. Despite “Craig’s” objections, I’m going to share these with you (why should I have all the fun):

Hi Craig,

Two days ago you requested

“Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

I do hope you got around to reading

Secret #1: Turning Ideas into Novels and Secret #2: Writing Books Publishers Can’t
Put Down

More important, I hope you’ve been considering how to use the secrets you were
presented in the first installment

Now it’s time to take a look at secrets 3 and 4.

Notice how she reminds “Craig” about the email from day 1. This accomplishes three things:

1. It tells “Craig” that she’s really serious about turning him into a writer.
2. It reminds him, just in case he didn’t read lessons #1 and #2, that he should read it.
3. And it challenges “Craig’s” seriousness. In doing so, it reinforces in the newbie’s mind that he will fail in his quest if he doesn’t stick with her advice.

Secret #3: Writing a Credible Novel

Writing a credible novel means that your readers
believe what’s happening in the book. Whether
it’s a mystery or fantasy, the worlds you create
in your book need to be believable within the
context of your story.

That means that you must build believable
characters whose motivation is believable for
that character.

In other words, if Joan decides to play amateur
sleuth to discover what happened to a neighbor
who disappeared, and Joan is putting herself
in a lot of danger to do that, you have to
give Joan believable motivation.

Get into Joan’s skin. Why is it so important
for Joan to find out what happened to her
neighbor? Is it something that happened in
her past? Is it something the neighbor did for
her that she’s trying to repay?

(note: Perhaps Joan is just a big ole nibshit — in which case motivation is far less important to the story or to the reader than Joan’s personality)

Character motivation is the key to creating
believable novels, no matter what genre you
work in.

Keep this in mind when developing your characters
and plots, and it’ll go a long way in helping
you write novels that sell.

*******************************************

Secret #4: Let Your Book “Breathe” to Maximize
Its Impact

Writing a novel is a long-term committment.
Even if you finish the first draft in 30 days,
you’re going to have to spend time polishing
that draft. The second and third drafts, or
even fifth and sixth, are where the novel
really comes together.

The problem is, after spending so much time
with your work, it can be really difficult to
read your novel objectively. You’re too close
to the characters and plot to pick up mistakes
in pacing or know when something isn’t clear.

The best thing you can do is have someone
else look at your book at this point. But
please note, by “someone” I don’t mean
your husband or wife or next door neighbor–
unless they happen to be professional writers
or editors.

Family and friends don’t really know what to
look for in a novel. They’re usually very
impressed that you’ve written a book at all,
and can’t judge it the way an editor or publisher
will. You need someone who knows about
writing and the writing business to tell
you what’s right and wrong with your book. I’ve
been doing this for fifteen years, ten as a
professional, and I still have several writer
friends read my work before I’ll even consider
sending it out.

After the first draft, your book isn’t really
ready for a complete edit. You need a general
critique of the work to make sure you’re on the
right track and, if your not, to guide you back
on it.

(note: here it comes . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)

I offer just such a critique FREE with my
e-book course “5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Publishing Success” found at <--snip-->

(Ah-ah! See there. On her mini-site for her course, she’s offering to give a “comprehensive” critique, not a “general” critique. There is a difference — a huge difference in scope but, more importantly, a huge difference in the fee a pro freelance editor would charge for this service. So her free “bonus” is nothing of the sort.)

This is really quite an astounding bonus considering the
low price of the course and what you generally
pay for a multi-page critique of your work.

(Note how she again referrences the full critique thereby, twisting the different levels of critique together as if they were interchangeable.)

If you haven’t decided on a professional critique
yet, the next best way to “see” your work more
clearly is to let it rest for a month or two. This
means you should put the manuscript away in a
desk drawer or file cabinet, and don’t look at
it at all for at least a month (longer if you feel
you’re still too close to it).

You’ll be amazed at how many mistakes and
problems you run across this way.

Before you send your book out to publishers
and agents, you want to give it the best
chance you can. The writing business is
very competitive. If a publisher or agent
sees problems with your book the first
time around, they won’t ask to see it–or
anything else your write–again.

It’s well worth the time and extra effort
to make sure you get it right. And just remember,
Craig, I’m here to help if you need me :-)!

Okay, so lesson #3 is that fiction needs to have believable characters? Really? I never would have guessed.

Of course, lesson #4 takes the prize. Letting the novel “breathe”? Okay, that might be the case for some writers, but not universally true for all writers. Some writers can and do revise as they go and are quite successful this way. Others start revising their work the moment they finish a draft. Others do let their draft sit in a drawer for weeks, months, or sometimes even years before they finish it. And yes, some do seek the help of a freelance editor — but, hopefully, an editor with noted ability and a solid track-record in that field and a reputation for honesty. I strongly suspect this “tip” is more about the dumbshits who sign-up for the full course and keeping them on the string so she doesn’t have to honor her “money-back” guarantee.

Anyhow, I can’t convince “Craig” that this is just a lot of bullshit to get him to pay the big bucks for the full-course con job, so I guess we’ll have to take a look at lessons #5 and #6, which drops on Tuesday or thereabouts.

So, until next round . . .

5 Little Words That Guarantee Your Publishing Success

“Discover the secret every best-selling novelist
knows about writing novels that SELL!”

Looking to jump start your career as a writer?
Just learning a few key techniques can make
all the difference to your success.

“5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Publishing Success” is the culmination
of what I’ve learned working as a
professional writer for over 10 years.

Plus you get 4 FREE PERSONALIZED bonuses
worth more than 5 times your investment!
An incredible offer for the incredible price
of just $197!

Or, if you prefer, you can buy the ebook
along with 2 GREAT BONUSES worth over $100
for just $19.95!

Best of all, you can try this amazing e-book
WITHOUT RISK for 90 Days.

“5 Little Words That Guarantee Your
Writing Success”

And if you believe that load of crap, I got some cheap auto insurance I’d like to sell ya!

Yeah, that’s right . . . another one of those writing gurus has reared their head. Let’s see if our aim is straight enough to hit the target, shall we.

M. Rachel Plummer — children’s book author. Her resume includes several books — at least two of her own (one seems to have been published by a vanity press) and some work-for-hire assignments with book packager 17th Street Productions (the same outfit involved in that plagiarism scandal a couple of years ago). Apparently, writing children’s books wasn’t paying the rent for her so she decided to add writing guru scam artist to her resume.

Anyway, when I stumbled upon her website the other day, I was howling with laughter. It’s one of those Clickbank mini-sites with all the power buzzwords and the usual testimonials about how great the program is.

Well, I wasn’t about to spend $200 on her ebook and “bonuses,” or even $20 for the ebook sans bonuses, so I did the next best thing — I created an alias and signed-up for the 3-day mini-course. Here’s what I was sent on the first day:

Hi Craig,

Thank you for requesting my complimentary Mini-course…

“6 Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

Inside this mini-couse you’ll discover the
secrets to writing and selling your novel.
So let’s get started…

“6 Fail-proof Tips for Your Writing and
Publishing Success!”

By Award-winning Novelist Rachel Plummer
(Note: she was “awarded” an honorable mention in one of those Writer’s Digest contests. For those who care about such matters, it ain’t exactly a Newberry medal, now is it?)

Author, “5 Little Words That Guarantee
Your Publishing Success”

(note: There was another link to her ebook course here and several testimonial which I snipped)

I’ll be sending out your 3-part email course
every other day. so since today is Friday,
expect the second part of the course on
Sunday and the third part on Tuesday.

In this mini-course we’ll touch on what professional
writers know about:

1) Turning ideas into novels

2) Writing books publishers can’t put down

Time to reveal the first two secrets
to becoming a published novelist…

Secret #1: Turning ideas into novels

Ideas are everywhere, so why is it so hard to
come up with an idea for a novel?

The answer is, it’s really not. It’s learning
how to turn that idea into a full 200-300 page
work of fiction that often seems impossible.

Maybe your story starts strong and then fizzles out.
Perhaps you can’t come up with an ending. Or you
write your characters into a corner they — and
you — can’t get out of.

Bestselling novelists aren’t necessarily any more
talented than you are. Talent has really very
little to do with writing a successful novel.

When you’re writing a novel, it’s technique that
counts. Without knowing how to write a novel,
you’re going to have a hard time finishing it
and getting it published.

Most people don’t realize that writing fiction is
something you have to learn to do. Just because you
typed a few papers in high school and can put together
a letter to Aunt May doesn’t mean you know how
to write a novel.

It always surprises me when people think they can
simply sit down and type a 300-page manuscript
that’s going to read like the bestseller they
recently picked up at Borders.

Those same people would think you were crazy if
you suggested they sit down and play a Chopin
etude when they’d never had a piano lesson.

But just as you need to learn to read notes and
play scales before you can play a Beethoven sonata,
you need to learn the craft of writing.

Once you do, those ideas you have but can’t seem
to do anything with will be a thing of the past.
You’ll be able to write a novel on whatever you
want, any time you want, without hesitation.

The fact that you’re seeking help to write your
novel is an excellent sign. It means you’re serious
about pursuing your dream and willing to take the
steps necessary to make it come true.

A good writing course can make all the difference
between getting published and wishing you were.

Keep reading to learn more about what you can do
to become a successful author.

*************************************

Secret #2: Writing books publishers can’t put down

If you love to write it’s probably because you
love to read. There’s nothing better than finding
a great book that so totally captivates you, you
end up losing a night’s sleep because you can’t
put it down.

What is it about these books? What magic formulas
do the authors know that you don’t?

Surprisingly, it’s nothing you can’t learn in a few
days and accomplish with a little practice.

Pacing is one of the most important elements to
learn for keeping readers (and publishers)
on the edge of their seats.

So what exactly is pacing? It’s the rhythm of your
book, the way it flows. Next time you watch a sitcom
notice how you “feel” the joke coming after a setup,
how even if you’re in another room, you recognize
when enough time has elapsed for you to hear a
burst of canned laughter.

This is pacing. And it goes wrong when you make
things happen too fast or too slow.

When pacing is too fast, it’s usually due to a
writer being too anxious to get to the punch line.
Make sure that you’ve milked every bit of tension
from your scene before you end it.

Most of the time, however, the problem with
new writers is that their pacing is too slow.
One of the major reasons is that they use too many
unnecessary words.

For instance, someone may write, “My father
loved to drink. It was ‘almost’ as if it took
him to another world.” What they really
mean is “My father loved to drink. It was
as if it took him to another world.” The
“almost” is unnecessary. It dilutes the
strength of the sentence. Use enough
of these, and you’ll slow your story
down considerably.

Look for unnecessary words when you edit
your work and get rid of them. This
will go a long way in helping you write a
book that people can’t put down.

Let me get this straight — and correct me if I’m misreading this, but the first two “secrets” are:

1) In order to learn how to write, you have to learn how to write.

2) Pacing.

What? That’s a sample of the great pearls of wisdom I’m being offered? Well, I don’t know about you guys, but “Craig” sure wants to learn more. I feel like an accomplished writer already. Don’t you? Hell, I’m feeling a War and Peace bubbling up from inside me right now . . . no, I guess that was just gas. My bad.

To be continued. . .