Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category
I Can Teach You to Write a Book in 24hrs
Written by John Erianne on July 19, 2008 – 3:44 pm -Well . . . no I can’t. But I bet I got your attention, didn’t I?
See, if you go around the Internet and read ads in writing magazines, you’ll find dozens of scams from these self-proclaimed writing “gurus” telling you how they can magically turn you into a writer.
According to these guys, writing is easy and everyone can do it. Hell, if writing was that easy, why would we need these gurus to teach us anything? We’d all be successful writers, wouldn’t we? But, that’s the thrust of every one of these writing scams — that once you learn all the insider secrets, you will be able to write that masterpiece.
One of these gurus is a man named Steven Manning who refers to himself as a “master writer.” Mr. Manning claims he can teach you to write a book in less than 14 days. How nice!
Now, before I even get to the part where I debunk the very notion that there even is an infallable, one-size-fits-all process to writing a book in 14 days or if it’s even possible, I’d like to know: Who the fuck is Steven Manning? As far as I can tell (assuming he is the same Steven Manning who’s contributed to The Nation and The LA Times), he’s had some success writing freelance articles, and he has this course he peddles to the aspiring nitwits who don’t know any better — but is he “famous” as his website claims? Where are all the books he’s written? Surely, if he’s followed his own advice, there must be hundreds (or at least dozens) of his own books in print. Maybe I was looking in all the wrong places (several online booksellers, 6 area libraries, 10 different brick ‘n’ mortar bookstores, Google, Yahoo, MSN, Ask Jeeves, Google books, etc.) but I couldn’t find a single title by this guy or a single reader who claims to have read him. I could be wrong — many of his books could be out-of-print and perhaps he’s written them under a psuedonym — but not one?! Not a single title with his name on the front cover showing up in any of these places? I think that’s hilarious, because I’m nobody — not even close to being “famous” and not only are my own poetry chapbooks listed and available some places, I’ve found collectors selling copies for as much as $100 online (that’s a gripe for another day). So you tell me — what’s up with that? More likely than not, if Manning has written any books, he’s published them himself and only sells them to the people who sign-up for his course.
And what about his course? Well, I don’t know about it, but if it’s anything like the articles he’s written on the subject that you can read for free, his advice ranges from the obvious and simplistic to the just plain dumb:
“If you haven’t written your book yet, the only difference between you and a published author is that they’ve written their book and you haven’t.”
No, not exactly. The only difference between you and a published author is that they’ve written a book and published their book and you haven’t. Being a successful, published author requires a bit more than simply finishing a manuscript. Published authors have a publisher, which you probably don’t. They usually have a literary agent, too. And perhaps, just perhaps, they are also good writers and you are not.
Manning is also a big advocate of free-writing — although, he doesn’t call it free-writing. Rather, it’s presented as one of those “secrets” only master writers like him seem to know about. Personally, I’ve always found free-writing to be a waste of time. But that’s the point isn’t it — just because it works for Manning, doesn’t mean it’ll work for you or me. The idea that you can distill the act of writing into a single unified theory of the creative process is retarded. Every writer approaches the craft differently and, while I know there are some who don’t want to hear this, not everyone can write well enough to be a good writer, much less a great one or even a modestly successful one. And I can pretty much guarantee you that even if you could learn “the secret” of successful writing, you couldn’t learn it from Steven Manning.
He Must’ve Been Unconscious
Written by John Erianne on July 10, 2008 – 1:24 pm -The other night I participated in a poetry discussion group. The sort of thing that is part book club and part informal workshop.
A small group of us met in a local coffee house after hours and sat around reading and talking about poetry. The evening was going swimmingly until, about half-way into the meeting, this guy showed-up — late and kind of grumpy. You know — like he had someplace else to be but his car broke down and he just stopped by to use the phone or get out of the rain or take a dump. Anyway, he sits there like a lump and doesn’t say a word until it’s time for him to read his poem. You can tell that he’s one of those poets who thinks every line that drips from his pen is spun from gold and that sun shines from his asshole. He goes into this long tired introduction about how he was inspired to use stream of consciousness in his poem. I’m sitting there thinking, read the fucking poem, already — my balls are falling asleep fer christsakes! So he finally reads the poem. It goes on for about 2 or 3 pages. When he is finished, I comment that I appreciated the rhythm of the poem but that what he has written is not stream-of-consciousness. You’d think I cracked him across the jaw with a Louisville Slugger, because he did this whiplash motion with his head. He starts to argue with me: “No, no. It is stream-of-consciousness. You don’t know what you’re saying . . .” What! Are you addressing moi? I looked around the room and considered the company I was in, the setting, and the old guy’s absolute refusal to listen to reason and came to the conclusion that there is great wisdom in picking your battles. So, I quickly changed the subject and let him sit there in his ignorance, kind of like how a bad parent might let a toddler sit in a dirty diaper because it’s too much trouble to change.
But, here I am 3 days later still pissed about the matter.
I’m sorry, but writers who talk out their ass about writerly stuff they should actually know about but don’t bothers me. And it wasn’t so much that the guy was ignorant — it was that he had no interest in correcting his ignorance. Old grumpypuss was confusing stream-of-consciousness with free-writing. But that’s not even the worst of it. What he had written wasn’t even free-writing. See, what he had actually done was take several different kinds of formal verse and splice it together into a long poem which, I suppose, could be considered an experiment in form. That’s not stream-of-consciousness and it is, most certainly, not free-writing. So, he was not only ignorant — he was doubly ignorant.
Considering the sorry state of our public education system, it’s really no wonder people confuse stream-of-consciousness with free-writing. Hell, I remember back in the 10th grade, my English teacher didn’t know the difference. Nonetheless, it’s something every writer should know whether or not one uses either technique. Because you never know, you know.
So, for the record:
Free-Writing is a guided writing exercise used to conquer writer’s block. The exercise usually has a time limit but otherwise follows no rules other than to keep writing non-stop regardless of mistakes or straying off-topic. You do a lot of this kind of thing in creative writing classes. The technique was pioneered by writing instructors like Natalie Goldberg. This technique should not be confused with stream-of-consciousness or automatic writing.
Stream-of-consciousness is a specific form of interior monologue. Rather than being a straight narrative of thought, it seeks to emulate the randomness of the thought process using fragments, broken syntax, unruly punctuation, wordplay, allusion, etc. The most famous example of this technique is James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, but many other writers have used it to a degree including contemporary novelists such as Will Christopher Baer and Jonathan Safron Foer.
Automatic writing is a form of writing championed by the Surrealists in their day in which an individual entered a trance-like state and tapped into the collective unconscious. Generally, automatic writing is dismissed as a parlor trick today and is not utilized much. But, again, it shouldn’t be confused with free-writing or stream-of-consciousness.
And while we’re on the subject (and just to be thorough and crystal fucking clear on the matter), stream-of-consciousness should likewise not be confused with a dramatic monologue, which is a type of poem where a character either historical or fictional explains himself to an imaginary audience. Examples of this are found in Matthew Arnold’s “Dover Beach” and Robert Brownings’ “My Last Duchess.”
So, I hope this has been helpful to some of you. And, grumpy old dude . . . please read this blog — preferrably after you’ve had a bran muffin and emptied your bowels.
Vote Smart — Let’s Not Get Bushwacked Again in 2008!
Written by John Erianne on May 6, 2008 – 3:10 pm -Bush: Worst Ever, McCain: More War, Answer: OBAMA!
As voters consider their choices for the democratic party nominee in North Carolina and Indiana, they might want to consider the past eight years under Bush and who is most likely to flip the script on the disasterous policies that have brought us to this point in history.
