Diary of a Mad Editor

I spend a little time in some discussion forum or other, at least once a week (sometimes because I’m being paid to do so and other times for my own amusement or to get a kernal of an idea for a blog post like this one) and I’ve come to the conclusion that online discussion forums are, for the most part, a waste of time. In particular writing forums are a big waste of time. You will find the dumbest, most illiterate, knuckle-dragging wannabe douchebags hanging out in these places. Yesterday, for example, I was lurking in the Craigslist writing forum for a bit. I don’t actually remember lurking on Craiglist’s forum before and I was curious. I have to say that the writing forum on Craigslist makes discussion groups like alt.art.poetry.comments seem like the Algonquin round table by comparison. I mean — jesus fucking Christ — where’s Dorothy Parker when you need her!

Here’s a few samples from the forum to give you an idea of what I’m talking about:

Writing problem…. < bigpowr> 05/18 00:14:59

Hey, i have come to realize that i am a terrible writer. Im never able to get all of my thoughts together without them escaping my mind. Its like my brian has a glitch. I feel I have a tremendous storytelling ability. I got it from my grandpa, he would tell me stories for days,literally. I was hoping someone here could help me with my problem. Maybe if someone takes a chance on me, i can prove to be worth your while. I have very creative and original ideas. I could come up with content for days, my surface hasn’t even been scratched. People have been telling me this for years, and I kind of fell into a slump bc of it. I always just thought that good things would come from within, but they haven’t. Anyone care to share a little insight? Maybe someone could use a person with untapped talent? Let me know, I am a great problem solver and would be helpful on any book or screenplay. I just need an outlet.

A “terrible writer”? I’m wondering what great epiphany lead him to that conclusion since he obviously thinks otherwise. I’m also wondering how being a bad writer is a selling point for other writers, editors and publishers. Honestly, he speaks of himself as if he were pregnant with talent and all he needs is a C-section to bring out of him. If I am a talented writer (and let’s say for argument’s sake that I am) or a publisher seeking new writers, what’s my incentive to contact this person? My big toe has more writing ability than this guy so what the fuck would I need him for? Although, I am amusing myself right now imagining an old man “literally” keeping a child awake and sleep-deprived for days at a time telling him old war stories and such:

“Grandpa, I wanna go home. I’m sleepy.”
“Nonesense, boy. Drink your coffee and listen up.”

And how about this dumbass:

A real editor < jjustsayyyin > 05/17 09:15:57

I think you’re giving too much credit. An editor is just somebody who’s read a lot. Don’t let them fool you . . . . Nobody can tell you when you story really should be shortened and all. I wouldn’t listen to advice on that matter. One person might tell you to shorten it, another to leave it the way it is, another it’s too short. With the exception of spelling and punct. and maybe some paragraphs need to be clarified, I wouldn’t let an editor tell me anything. I’m well read, so maybe I have more know-how then/than the next guy, but that’s about the extent of expertise I’d take.

It’s your story, write it the way you want to write it. The greatest writers of all time have been told their stuff was no good, so you can’t really take the advice of professionals. That’s a sad statement for me to make, but it’s true.

And some of the greatest novels have plot holes, bad writing, spelling errors, no command of a good sentence. Don’t buy into all that bullshit. Write a story with a great charcater that everybody loves and people won’t give a shit about all that other stuff. It’s like getting laid. Do you really give a shit about the flaws in the person you’re are screwing, no . . ., you’re just happy you’re getting laid.

You can buy into all the fluff, or you can just write a great story about a great character and get it out there and market it, or you can just be a jerkoff like the rest of the people on the internet or people trying to get published, waiting for somebody to touch you on the shoulder and say your it.

Yeah, that’s some great advice, numbnuts. You’ll go far, you “well read” stud you. Seriously, though, I’d like some examples of “great writers” who published material without any editing at all, rife with mistakes, attrociously unforgivable grammatical errors and misspellings. And I’m not talking about intentional missteps like Eliot using “Let us go then, you and I” instead of “Let us go then you and me.” or Mailer using the proposterous and made-up word “fug” instead of “fuck” in Naked and the Dead because he was forbidden to use the word “fuck” in print in the late 1940’s in the U.S. I’m not talking about creative license exercised by writers who bloody well knew the difference. I’m talking about functional illiterates who can’t tie their own damn shoes or spell their own names. Name one truly great writer (or even a passably good one) of that ilk.

Or how about this asshole:

My Having Knowledge You Don’t Have < theothernews > 05/16 16:26:23

Is exactly why no one on this forum is going to make it. You should have learned to bite your tongue. I’ve navigated the writing/publishing business far beyond the best agents capabilities. Like you know, I’ve done very well. And, your limitations are your greatest punishment.

This guy claims to be a successful publisher, but refuses to name his press or anyone he’s ever worked with or books he’s published. [note: subsequent to writing this blog post, I discovered that his name is RD Peters and has a website called Iron Pyramid Publications which features his lame writing — trust me, he is not a successful writer or publisher.] He makes other outlandish claims as well. There seems to be a widely held opinion among many of the other idiots posting on this board that he is a troll and a liar. He also claims to be a survivor of the very same cancer I had and I’d be inclined to think he was making that up as well except that I can’t imagine why someone would make something like that up. Plus, much of what he says about his cancer experience sounds accurate based on my own experience with the disease (although, he could have picked up a lot of this information by lurking on cancer survivor discussion boards). Still, the man doesn’t demonstrate any coherent knowledge of writing or the publishing industry (the man doesn’t even know what the Kindle is despite claiming credit for predicting the digital revolution years ago — how is it even possible for an established publishing professional in 2009 not to have even heard of the Kindle?) His occasional critiques of other posters’ writing and his obvious disdain for poetry (though he claims he used to write it) is further evidence that he’s clueless. I also don’t see any rationale for a busy professional writer and publisher to be wasting their time posting in this forum — much less posting on what seems to be an hourly basis except maybe in the hopes of being able to con another wannabe who knows even less than he does.

I’m not going to suggest to you that there are no writers out there who are sane, well-adjusted, free of ego and cool as hell — there are. But, a good many of us creative types aren’t.

Poets may be the worst species of animal. There is a surplus as a matter of fact. A vast number of them are a vain, needy and insecure lot. Like this guy I know who sucks all of the air out of the room every time he enters it. This man (we’ll call him Poet X) writes poetry (or what passes for poetry in these parts) and he is one of the rudest, most self-centered, vainglorious assholes you’d ever want to meet.

The thing is, this guy can’t have a conversation relating to anything to do with poetry without talking about himself and his poetic accomplishments. I mean, he’s always giving you his C.V. He thinks, because he teaches creative writing as an adjunct at a local humpty-dump community college (and once upon a time took a workshop with Stephen Dunn) that he’s a literary superstar. You could be talking about Walt Whitman, Langston Hughes or the price of oil in the Arab Emirates and not only will he claim to know more about it than you, he’ll find a way to turn the conversation onto himself and some poem he wrote. And you’ll likely hear some variation of the phrase, “my poem”, “my award-winning poem” or “my most inspired poem” at some point — usually more than once.

And since he’s a local poet, he tends to be very condescending towards anyone who gets more attention than he does on the local scene. Last weekend, for example, Poet X, took great pleasure mocking and insulting the honor of this local female poet who featured at a notable local venue. Granted, the woman wasn’t a great talent and her presentation was unpolished at best. Granted, she was also a bit of a kook (by her own admission actually). Sure, I wouldn’t dispute that. But she was a nice enough lady and hadn’t done Poet X any harm. So you’d think a mature adult would just sit there, politely listen to the woman read and give her some measure of respect — you’d think an adult would do that or else just shut the hell up and leave. You don’t sit there talking at a high volume for the entire half hour the woman is reading at the mic. You don’t go on Facebook the next day and attack the woman’s character and make snarky comments about her sexuality, her physical appearance, and her mental state — and for no reason other than the fact that you are an asshole and jealous little shit who hasn’t been asked to be the feature in the joint.

Be careful what you wish for, Poet X.

Apparently, Bristol Palin’s ex-boytoy/baby daddy is thinking about “writing” a tell-all book about the Palin family provided he gets a million dollar advance. I’m thinking that this one won’t happen. For one thing, Palin supporters (and I’m sure she still has a few knuckleheads out there who think she’s A-OK) won’t be interested and the rest of us just want Palin to stay in Alaska and settle back into obscurity — a tell-all book will only bring her back into the public eye. For another thing, does anyone really care about what a 19 year-old, high school dropout has to say about anything? And, third, is there really that much about Palin and her family that isn’t known at this point? Short of some really juicy revelation like incest or that Palin’s oldest is a flaming homosexual who was in a threesome with Levi and Bristol, I doubt anyone would buy the book and publishers, in this economy, aren’t likely going to pay-out a million dollars for a book without strong pre-sales.

On the other hand, I’ve been wrong before and a book by Levi Johnson would be a true sign of the Apocalypse.