Diary of a Mad Editor

Some days, I receive submissions that are so goddamn awful that I’m embarrassed for the author. In fact, being as this is the holiday shopping season, I’m thinking I should start replying to some of these submissions with accompanying gift baskets chock full o’ advice for these pathetic newbies. Case in point: Yesterday, I opened this email by this wannabe poet and before I even got down the page to his sappy, insipid, trite, cringe-inducing “poetry,” I was forced to read this long-winded and equally cringe-inducing cover letter that was primarily a third-person bio:

K— F— is a published author of poetry, prose, short stories, music lyrics, and essays. His keen insight into the human experience which he attributes to his own often complicated existence has led him to create several unique published writings. Well known stories like “The Sapphire Moon” which highlights Keaton’s powerful ability to convey human emotions across a wide array of genres.

Although an avid writer on fiction, poetry and prose are K—’s first love. Many of his poems often deal with deep personal issues that many of his avid readers will be able to relate to in powerful, emotion-filled ways. K—’s writings hold nothing back in their raw, true, powerful form.
K— leaves no stone unturned in his quest to expose all the deep dark secrets hiding behind closed doors.

K— also likes to push the envelope of mainstream writing. He Lives to question topics such as faith, God, death, and what it all means to live this thing called life. No subject is taboo for K—, as long as it leads to a better understanding of the human condition.

Born and raised in Saco, Maine in the early 1970s. K— F— had spent his early years living in a highly dysfunctional family environment. Drug abuse, alcoholism, physical and mental abuse where all part of K—’s daily life growing up in Maine. Abandoned by his mother when he was twelve, K— has long since known what it takes to survive in an often-inhospitable world.

His past and present life is constant source for his writings and poetry. F— uses his craft to express his feelings about his youth in an effort to convey to others his past experiences and emotions. Many recent changes in his life, including the birth of his first child and graduating from college have all given F— new insight and new fuel to stoke the passionate creative writing fire that burns within him.

Ever since his earliest days, he loved storytelling, particularly poetry. He enjoys writing not only to entertain his legions of fans, he enjoys writing to challenge the reality of all that he has come to believe and see in his unique life. K— F— currently lives in Florida with his wife and young son.

The message continues to include a full annotated bibliography of every website (links included) where his writing has appeared.

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Now, I’ve already dealt with the subject of cover letters a long time ago in “So What, You Are a Poet, No One Cares, Pt. 2,” but the information can always be restated for the terminally clueless. This guy makes a number of mistakes before he even get around to showcasing his poems:

Keep it short

Cover letters should not fill more than one half of one standard page. No editor wants to read a dissertation.

A Bio isn’t the same thing as a Biography

When editors say to “include a bio” it doesn’t mean they want to hear your life story. They only want 2 or 3 lines about your professional accomplishments and (at most) a line or two about yourself. I think I can speak for most editors when I say I don’t really care about your personal shit. And it’s not that I’m unfeeling or inhuman — it’s just that your personal hang-ups with abuse or drugs or whatever the fuck are completely irrelevant to your submission and whether or not I should accept anything. I mean, I’ve had women, for example, who’ve sent pictures of themselves in lingerie and bikinis and whatnot along with their poetry. Sometimes they’re even attractive, but what does that have to do with their writing? Do they want me to seriously consider their poetry or whack-off to a picture? Also, no glossy head shots, family pics of babies and dogs.

If you are going to include your publishing credentials, make sure they are credible

Honestly (and this goes for experienced writers as well), I have no interest in reading a long list of publication credits — especially a list that includes links to other websites. Just 3-6 pub credits will do. And they’d better be real pub credits to real publications. Those writing community sites where anyone can post any old piece of crap to the website do not count. F— K— only listed one pub credit in his long list of creds that can even remotely be considered as legitimate and that one wasn’t even a good, quality publication. If you don’t have real publishing experience, it’s just better all the way around to just simply state that as a fact. “I’m a newbie.” No shame in that. We were all newbies at one time or another. But community sites, forums, and Poetry.com are not the same thing as the real thing and I don’t know one editor who’ll pretend otherwise.

Do not oversell yourself, especially if you don’t have much to sell

I’m of the belief that good writing kind of speaks for itself. But regardless, of the quality of your writing, it’s simply bad mojo to say things like, “many of his avid readers will be able to relate to in powerful, emotion-filled ways. K—’s writings hold nothing back in their raw, true, powerful form.
K— leaves no stone unturned in his quest to expose all the deep dark secrets hiding behind closed doors.” What the fuck is that about? See how that kind of sales pitch can really raise my expectations? I’m expecting to have my head blown back. You make a promise like that, an editor damn well expects you to deliver! After that, your poems better not turn out to be a suckfest.