Diary of a Mad Editor

Dear Mr. Erianne:

I have recently become the poetry editor of a fledging literary publication and am having a rather difficult time rejecting poets. My publisher is becoming impatient as I’ve yet to respond to a single submission. The problem is that I don’t think any of the poems I’ve received so far are very good, but I can’t bring myself to reject them because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Since you obviously don’t share this problem, I was wondering if you could help me out.

Sincerely,

Timid Poetry Editor

Dear Timid:

Help you out? What? Do you want me to do your job for you? You do understand that rejecting writers is part of the job description. It’s not possible to publish everyone who submits work to your publication — even if everything you receive is golden, you can’t publish it all. Space in any literary magazine, whether in print or online, is finite. Finding the best material possible is part of the process, but so is finding material that fits into the allotted space. Sound, pitiless judgment is necessary. If you are incapable of exercising that sort of judgment perhaps you should just tell the publisher that you can’t handle the job and quit, thereby giving the publisher the chance to replace you with someone who can do the job.

That being said, probably every new editor struggles with delivering bad news to hopeful writers when they first start out. Believe it or not, even I had a problem with it when I started out — I still rejected writers, mind you, but I felt bad about it. You find, though, that handing out rejections is kind of like committing murder: the more you do it, the easier it gets. Hell, some writers will make it easy. Some of them have absolutely no respect for editors such as yourself. Others are like restless dogs constantly begging for attention and humping your leg.

Unfortunately, I had the misfortune early in my tenure as a literary editor of losing my temper with a poet who was (and I assume, still is) a total asshole. Thus, the legend of “The Mad Editor” was born. Though that reputation is somewhat exaggerated based on a few incidents over the years where I went King Kong on someone’s ass — I have no problem playing the monster when it suits me. You don’t have to be that kind of poetry editor — but what you can’t be is timid.

You can be somewhat nice about it. For example, you could word your rejection slips something like this:

Dear [name]:

While I certainly do appreciate the time and energy that went into your poems, and the courage it took to submit them to me, I am unable to accept them at this time. It’s not a personal reflection on you, just that your work doesn’t meet the needs of our publication. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

signed,

Timid Poetry Editor

See? That’s not so bad, is it? The vast majority of poets will not be offended by this. And the ones who are bothered? You may find, as I have, that it’s very easy to slam them. Hell, it’s even fun. The point is you have to clear your desk one way or another. That’s the job. Some days you will be fortunate enough to receive something you can happily accept. Most days, however, the job is to reject, reject, reject. How you achieve the end result is up to you. What you need to do is find your own style and always follow your own drummer. Trust yourself and grow a spine, Timid. That’s all I can tell you. Good luck.

It seems that another celebrity has secured a six-figure book deal.

That’s right — Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus, is going to write a book (well, I sincerely doubt she will actually write the book herself but for now we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt). According to Cyrus, she thinks it’s somehow important that her fans know about her family life.

It’s incredible enough that this no-talent singer/actress is famous to begin with (never underestimate the power of brand-marketing and the low-brow gullibility of teenagers), but to swallow the idea that this twit has anything to say about anything takes the proverbial cake! Her family? Who cares? What the fuck? Seriously. What do we need to know about her family? Her mom used to be a waitress. Lots of moms have waitress jobs. Most of them don’t marry so well. Her Dad? Billy Ray Cyrus? I’m still in favor of some form of corporal punishment for that “Achy-Breaky Heart” song craze.

Alas, Miss Cyrus will now join the ranks (and I do mean rank) of celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Pam Anderson, etc. who’ve put out slop to the detriment of the publishing industry and readers everywhere.

Once upon a time, there was the book. That post-papyrus, bound technological wonder whose very existance is thanks largely to the genius of Guttenburg and made popular over the centuries by many famous and long-forgotten writers. Yes, books had their salad days. Then, thanks to the advent of the Digital Age and a widening gap between readers and non-readers, it seemed like the book was doomed. Along comes the Electronic Book or, “E-Book” which signaled both the demise of books and, potentially, their salvation. The e-book lobby shouted, “Death to the Book — long live the e-book!” The anti-e-book set cried “heresy,” and dismissed e-books as a dangerous fad.

Throughout the 1990’s and up to the present, early 2000s, it’s become clear that both factions were dead wrong. Although, with the invention of new, improved reading devices like the Amazon Kindle and more modest pricing, e-books have carved out a market — it remains a niche market, much like downloadable audio books. E-books have not replaced real hardcopy, bound books and, dare I say it without being tarred and feathered — that I don’t believe e-books ever will replace real books. At least, not anytime in the near future. On the other hand, one cannot deny that e-books and electronic media in general, have a destinct advantage over regular books for delivering certain kinds of information. It’s true e-books are probably not the best way to enjoy genres such as fiction and poetry. But what about reference books and instructional textbooks? Most reference books are expensive and already out-of-date by the time they are published and released into the market, whereas electronic media has the advantage of timeliness, and is inexpensive to produce and update. Already, we are seeing e-books being used as an option on college campuses in place of traditional textbooks. Not to mention that newspapers are turning to various forms of e-media to offset loses from their print publishing. While I don’t think e-books, will ever completely replace all traditional books, the digital genie is out of the bottle and the naysayers can no longer dismiss ebooks as a fad — dangerous or otherwise.