I Could Write a Country & Western Song Called, “Blank Stares ‘N’ Blank Pages Cryin’ in My Beer”
Published December 22nd, 2007 | 
Yesterday, while warming-up before doing my exercises, I was watching a little bit of that game show, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? What the hell, I thought. I don’t much care for game shows, but I like trivia. I’ll play along for awhile. Well, this guy went out on what should’ve been a fairly easy question — I mean even if he hadn’t read the book, he should have at least heard of it before. It’s a pretty famous novel. Anyhow, the question was: Actor Jude Law was named after a Beatles song and a novel by what author? Four English novelists were listed. The correct answer, of course, was Thomas Hardy, who wrote Jude the Obscure. You know: Hey,Jude (the Beatles song) + Jude the Obscure = Jude Law. Now I understand how the guy might never have read the book, but how does a college-educated person in the United States go through their entire life without ever hearing about Jude the Obscure and the fact that Thomas Hardy wrote it? Am I completely mental for thinking that he should know of the book? But, no . . . he says, “Joseph Conrad.” You human buttcrack, you used up all your lifelines, so if you honestly don’t know Joseph Conrad’s writing from Hardy’s, walk the fuck away! Don’t guess.
I’m thinking about this afterwards. Thinking and stewing about it. Nothing to me that the guy loses money, but what does this say about Americans? Do you realize that right now nearly half of the U.S. population is considered to be functionally illiterate? Doesn’t that scare the piss out of you? It sure as shit scares fuck out of me. Think about it for a minute? We are still technically the top dog among industrialized nations, yet our literacy rates are in a tail spin. Is it any wonder we elect a primate to run the country and are off fighting ill-conceived wars around the world? People this stupid have access to guns, rockets and nuclear weapons and we’re worried about Osama Bin Laden? Oh man, we are so fucked.
Thinking About Redecorating that Old Writing Space?
Published December 21st, 2007 | A while back, before I got sick and went broke, I was thinking about fixing up my writing space: buying a new desk, moving things around, etc. Mostly I was thinking about replacing the ratty, old baby puke-green carpet that rests just under my sock feet. This hideous rug came with the space and is older than I am by at least a decade. The kind of rug that was out of style when it was in style, if you catch my drift.
I was thinking about a nice Persian or Oriental rug. I always liked Persian rugs — their weight and handcrafted designs. They were always so expensive though!
Well, kiddies, I just discovered a site that makes such luxury affordable. It’s a place called SuperiorRugs.com.
At first glance, the website isn’t much. You can tell the site wasn’t designed by a professional. The navigation is kind of a mess. The graphics are kind of grainy. There are copy errors. And, the generic layout is kind of off-putting. However, upon further inspection, the design doesn’t matter so much. It’s the kind of web design that says, “We know rugs; we don’t know anything about web design.” True enough, they are selling rugs, not web design services.
And rugs they do sell. The website is connected to a real brick and mortar factory warehouse in Central New Jersey run by an outfit with years of experience making and selling Persian and Oriental rugs. They sell rugs made from real wool as well as synthetics. They sell area rugs in many shapes, colors, designs and sizes. More important, because they make their own rugs and sell direct, they sell discount area rugs at prices cheaper than their competitors. They also offer a “110% price guarantee,” which means, I suppose, that if you find a particular carpet cheaper elsewhere, they will not only match the price, but sell for 10% less that price. Some area rugs were selling for less than sixty dollars. And some nice two thousand dollar rugs were marked down to less than five hundred dollars.
So kiddies, if any of you were thinking about redoing that office and are in the market for a nice Persian rug, give Superior Rugs a look-see.
To Split Infinitives is to Infinitely Split My Skull Open
Published December 17th, 2007 | Dear Mad Editor,
I don’t want to sound stupid (And I’m an English teacher, yet!), but what’s a “split infinitive”? I’m not that good with identifying parts of speech.
signed,
Newbie English Teacher
Dear Newbie,
I wish I could tell you I’m shocked, but just listen to any teenager speak and you just know that part of the problem is they are getting an inadequate education in “the parts of speech.”
First, let me explain to you and our peanut gallery what an “Infinitive” is. An Infinite is what happens when you combine the word “to” with a verb and it can be used as a noun, an adjective or an adverb:
As a noun: John loves to kill English Teachers.
As an adjective: She is the English Teacher to kill.
As an adverb: John arrived to kill her.
Now, a Split Infinitive happens when you insert an adverb in between “to” and your verb:
Gwen begged Horace to slowly fuck her.
instead of:
Gwen begged Horace to fuck her slowly.
See the difference? Yes? No?
Anyway, I hope this helps. Now that you know what it is, you can teach it to your class. Good luck with that, by the way.
Sincerely,
The Mad Editor
