Diary of a Mad Editor

Archive for December 17th, 2007

To Split Infinitives is to Infinitely Split My Skull Open

Dear Mad Editor,

I don’t want to sound stupid (And I’m an English teacher, yet!), but what’s a “split infinitive”? I’m not that good with identifying parts of speech.

signed,

Newbie English Teacher

Dear Newbie,

I wish I could tell you I’m shocked, but just listen to any teenager speak and you just know that part of the problem is they are getting an inadequate education in “the parts of speech.”

First, let me explain to you and our peanut gallery what an “Infinitive” is. An Infinite is what happens when you combine the word “to” with a verb and it can be used as a noun, an adjective or an adverb:

As a noun: John loves to kill English Teachers.
As an adjective: She is the English Teacher to kill.

As an adverb: John arrived to kill her.

Now, a Split Infinitive happens when you insert an adverb in between “to” and your verb:

Gwen begged Horace to slowly fuck her.

instead of:

Gwen begged Horace to fuck her slowly.
See the difference? Yes? No?

Anyway, I hope this helps. Now that you know what it is, you can teach it to your class. Good luck with that, by the way.

Sincerely,

The Mad Editor